when it rains, it pours

So, I've been away for a while. Not because I didn't have anything to blog about, and not because I was too lazy to blog, but simply because all the stuff I would start blogging about was just.. negative. All of it. I found myself half way through a post several times, and I realized I sounded like nothing more than a whiny teenage girl. I didn't want my blog to become that.

The truth is, a lot of bad things have been happening lately. Or, at least it seems like a lot. Honestly, when I sit and think about it, it's just a couple things that snowballed, and my attitude was bad, and so it made it feel like a lot of stuff. I was living in a constant sea of anger and depression, and I was starting to drown.

We can touch briefly on some of the issues that were keeping me down.

-Dealing with all my emotions of this unplanned pregnancy. I know I said before that I was "happy about it now" but that wasn't the truth. It's just what I was telling everyone in hopes that it would just be true. (will try to write more on this another day)

-Toddler tantrums. Okay, I know everyone deals with the toddler tantrums. I know that we don't have it as bad as some, and we have it worse than others. But with the state of mind I've been in, I haven't been dealing with the toddler issues so well. It was just one of those normal, not fun things that added in with everything else made me feel like I was falling apart. (Absolutely more on this in the future).

-Modified bed rest. This just popped up in the last 2 months, and it has been HARD on me. It sort of correlates with the emotions of the whole unplanned pregnancy thing. But then it adds to it the feeling of being a bad mother because not being able to be active=lots of inside time & TV watching. (Again, more on this another day.)

While I didn't want to bring a bunch of negative junk to my blog, I also didn't feel right about just popping in to post about the happy, pretty things. This blog is supposed to be about my/my family's life. That life is filled with good and bad things. It's so easy to post about the good, and so incredibly terrifying to post about the bad. This post is just my little stepping stone at getting back to the blog. I'm hoping to find the courage to tell you about the bad, and I can't wait to share all the good.

pregnancy details

First of all, this pregnancy was/is a total surprise for us. We were not trying. Quite the opposite actually.Ii was charting to avoid. We didn't even have sex during the "fertile window". I'm still kind of in shock that it even happened. Let me take you back 4 weeks..

January 2 - All morning I had been having a tingling feeling in my boobs that felt like let down sensation. It was really strange, but I just put in on the back burner in my brain. Later that day, I got in the shower and noticed that my boobs were leaking. I honestly thought I was going crazy and just seeing things. I looked again. Yep, leaking milky stuff. I think at this point I exclaimed 'What the hell!?' and jumped out of the shower, shaking. Fast forward about 10 minutes.

I was getting dressed and debating with myself on what this could mean. Is there something wrong with me? Can random leaking happen 1.5 years after breastfeeding? Am I pregnant? I looked at my chart. 7 dpo. Surely too early to take a test, plus it is VERY RARE to leak that early. I decided to just call my doctor and ask what I should do (come in for a blood test, wait another week and take an hpt, or go get some labs for whatever else could be going on b/c there is NO WAY I could be pregnant. Unfortunately, my doctor's office was closed for New Year's Day. Crap.

So I let Ben know what was going on, and decided I would take a pregnancy test in the morning just so I could let my doctor know I got a negative hpt.

January 3 - Woke up, peed on a stick. Brushed my teeth while I waited. Grabbed the stick..

super duper light positive.

Called my doctor, explained how there was just no way this could be right. She ordered a few blood tests, one being a pregnancy test. The others were to be ran only if the pregnancy test was negative. After a fiasco at the lab, I finally got my draws done, and waited almost all day to hear back from them.

My phone rang and my hands started to shake. The nurse said that the test came back positive, but the numbers were really low, and I needed to go back in 2 days. Well, the next day I took another hpt, and Thursday I took another. Both were positive, of course. After my second draw the nurse called to congratulate me because my numbers were doubling perfectly!

We had a few days filled with shock, frustration, and how are we going to do this?! But we're getting excited now. I had an ultrasound last Thursday and baby is perfect, we even heard the heartbeat. I have another ultrasound this Wednesday! Oh, due date is September 17th!